Big Jeff's Blog

Big Jeff Blog #2…

…How gig going was the perfect medicine for my anxiety…

“Over the lockdown period, I have been reflecting and looking at the empty venues haunting in the city of Bristol. Thinking about; how I have used live music to deal with my anxieties and how small venues helped me feel at ease within the local communities. I have to say from the off that I for many years have struggled with social anxieties. I’ve always hated things like parties because I quite often can’t control the social situations but gigs have always been a safe haven for me.

This is partly because there is a finite time that things are happening.

You usually know when the door times for the shows will be open and what time the first act is on, so I could get down to the venue early and knew that everything will usually be wrapped up by a finite time. Unlike other social situations there was always a unified sense of people being there for the same thing, to see the bands performing.

Also gigs and live music venues gave me a chance to be around people without having to talk to anyone. The amount of times I got socially frustrated seeing people being able to socialise with relative ease created a jealousy within me. But if I did choose to speak to people then we would use the music as an ice breaker.

When I first moved to Bristol, I was a socially awkward shaven headed early 20 something who had huge dreams and aspirations but without the social knowledge of how to communicate my ideas. I would find myself over passionately talking at people. I made a pact to myself that I had to take myself out at least 3 nights a week, whether that be a gig or a trip to the cinema. It was like I had to find ways to be around people.

A venue I regularly visit is or was the Louisiana, a small 140 capacity venue that lies just off the city centre. It’s a venue that has over the years given me so much solace and actually helped me develop so much in my emotional and mental well-being. One of the first people I became friends with at the venue was a guy called John who would work on the door. I think it was partly the regularity of seeing his face gave me something tangible that I could relate too. I would always go to every show with the utmost enthusiasm.

It’s also a fact that live music has saved my life partly because when I nearly died, after a bodged appendicitis operation, I had a crisp ticket to see 80s Matchbox B-Line Disaster. I was determined to make it to that show. Even though I didn’t end up making it, it was certainly something that drove me to get better.

I found myself starting to recognise people who regularly attended live shows, gradually using this as an opportunity to make friends. It was the sheer persistence of talking to people. Breaking down the barriers by using the bands we have just seen as a way of breaking the ice. Sometimes I would find myself talking to the musicians trying to give them constructive criticism. Sometimes it would be me listing off a bunch of things I heard to some very confused looking kids as I would excitedly sprout out things.

I saw going to visit new venues as a way of exploring the city. Quite often if I was going to a new place I would have to work out the exact routes to the venues and would often mean that I would go and find the venue during the day. I had to workout what was the best route for me. Sometimes I would find myself heavily procrastinating about what show to go to, something that was spawned out of my obsessive compulsive behaviours. It was something that was decided based on my moods.

I really began to understand emotions through live music, it was like I could feel switches being flicked in my head. I could feel the relief of being able to connect with the right musical emotion. If I was feeling anxious or frustrated then I would find myself heading out to some hardcore punk or metal show to let off some steam, or if I was searching for something more uplifting I would try and find that. What this lead me to was yearning to understand greater emotions and that in the wider variety of venues I would find myself making more and more friends. Gaining an understanding and love of the communities that surrounded different musical genres, I noticed that accessing these different spaces made me feel more accepted and that my social barriers were being chipped away at. It was like as if the fish bowl I was living in gradually grew bigger as I wanted to understand more about the world.

This would also expand to festivals and having new sonic experiences, even if I treated the new experiences like being a kid in a sweet shop about to pass out from having too many gob stoppers. I just wanted influx and to capture brand new sonic experiences.

My love and need for live music grows stronger each day and I yearn for its return, both for the wonderful experiences and for my own mental well-being.”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………We here at KILI are all going through one thing or another, no one should have to face a mental health problem alone and having access to the right information is vital. For advice and support, head to MIND’s website.